I had lunch today with a widower friend and we were talking about relationships and the pitfall of entering into a physical relationship before really getting to know someone well. There seems to be a common experience of getting into an intimate relationship too quickly and suddenly "waking up" and realizing the person we were with wasn't who or what we thought they were. Widows/widowers, I think are prone to jumping into deep intimacy, searching for the thing that they lost when their spouses died.
I have certainly been guilty of doing this since Arron died, the latest experience being no exception. He was likely doing it too, having just come out of a divorce.
We are all seeking a deep connection to someone, and I am learning how easily we are able to fool ourselves into thinking we have found what we are looking for.
I picked up a book at the library called "The Ten Commandments of Dating" which kinda makes me laugh, because of course, me being me, it didn't occur to me that it was written from a Christian perspective. So, skimming over all the parts telling me that Christians should only marry Christians, I have been intrigued with two of the "commandments": You shall "take things slow" and "Save sex for later". Of course my mom has been telling me to not give away too much too soon for years, but she's, well my mom! Do we ever listen to our moms?
My therapist implores me to just "be myself" and that if you play games, you will wind up in a relationship based not on something real, but on rules and games. The old "hard-to-get" adage is the game. She insists that by playing the game, you wind up in something that is inherently deceitful. Better to be who you are than to pretend to be someone you are not.
I guess there must be some sort of happy medium. Like not jumping into bed with someone on the second date for instance. OK, so is the 4th date OK? Or is it better to wait 6 months which my friend is (jokingly?) determined to do.
I guess in the end, you can only be who you are.