Get A Job!

The widowhood conference last weekend has given me a new-found appreciation for having a community. To suddenly be thrust into immediate friendships via this virtual world of bloghood was amazing to me. But when I got home I realized that I have been sequestering myself, hiding away behind my computer, lost in my blogness. My sense is it that is a common widow/widower thing to do. To hide.

But the conference made me realize that I need to meet more real people. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to laugh and revel in black humour with others who got it. Got me.

The other thing I did this week was hide my Match profile. Again. I am just too tired of being the one-date-wonder. All very nice men that I meet, but no click, no chemistry. Its demoralizing. Plus with all the emails flying around I couldn't keep each profile straight. Was Mark the one who read philosophy or was that Ed? And I don't know, but it seemed I had to exchange a LOT of emails before a guy would finally suggest coffee. It was tiring.

And so its dawning on me that I need to find some local community. And to meet some men the old fashioned way.

Hence a couple of ideas:

1. Join a church. my mom nearly spewed her sip of wine when I told her this over the phone. "Church? you?" she said. "What? I need to meet PEOPLE mom!" OK. She's right. dumb idea. Unless it was a church where we could drink margaritas and laugh at all things Jesus.

2. Take a belly dancing class. Maybe not orthodox and I will only meet women. But fun. And maybe I can lose a bit of the middle age tire that seems to have taken hold of my waist.

3. Learn to row (as in scull. You know in those boats where you paddle backwards with eight other people and a tiny person at the back who shouts at you and tells you where to go?) Probably will have that women-only problem again. Not to mention the nasty 5am wake up. OK, maybe its a bad idea.

4. Take another writing class. The memoir class was great, but the problem with memoir is, you guessed it -- only women. Writing about their grandmas. So fiction this time. Maybe I will actually meet someone with a Y chromosome. Probably writing science fiction. Oh no!

5. Get a job. Ooo. A radical idea. I have to say I like my life of so-called leisure. And I seem to always be overwhelmingly busy. I would have to find someone to take care of the kids after school. Am I talking myself out of this one? Let's review:

Pros:

- A routine
- Meeting other people, not just women
- Getting paid (maybe)
- Health insurance (maybe)
- Doing something fun (maybe)

Cons:

- A routine
- Office politics
- Doing something boring (maybe)
- Hiring childcare which might not be cost efficient, depending on the job
- Writing would take a back seat

I want to write another book, but right now all I have are false starts. I can't quite get into the swing. Maybe its because its the summer and I have kids breathing down my neck, bored out of their minds. And yet, I am meeting another psychic today (in person), to possibly discuss my book idea (if I like her and she seems the kind of person who I could work with). Stay tuned.

At any rate, I can't look for a job until September due to some trips I have planned this summer. But I have been looking. And who knows, it might even be fun.

Just Money

Like pretty much everyone, I have taken some hard knocks in my financial life and on Friday I had to make the dire decision to liquidate all of my equities (about half my portfolio). Of course the whole portfolio is down by about 50% since last September, so in monetary terms, this is a substantial hit, given that is the money my children and I live on. Having made this decision however, a weird calm came over me. Of course I was relieved that it at least felt as though I had staunched the bleeding, but it was more than that. I have always had an odd relationship with this money, the money I received as a result of Arron's death. I had to sign away my right to sue airlines, and building management companies and whomever else could be blamed for the grand mal seizure that was 9/11. When I signed that final document, I felt as though I had sold my soul to the devil. When the checks arrived by Fedex several months later, they made me cry, because I felt as though the money was some kind of hideous replacement for Arron. Those checks felt like something evil. I deposited the checks quickly and soon had invested the money which we have lived off ever since. I expected to be way more freaked out about losing so much of it. But like I said, I felt calm. The money carried an abstract quality, nothing more than a bunch of numbers on a page that grew or shrank with each monthly statement. Now it feels like I kind have the same amount as I used to have when compared to what everyone else has. We have all lost money, so the way I figure it, the value of the money has remained the same in relative terms. $100 dollars in September is worth $50 now. But I am probably just naive. There was also this feeling of contentment that came over me when I thought of selling the house, and perhaps even renting a cute little apartment, divested of stuff that I had to sell off on Craig's list. I imagined this simple life, where I had to make a lot of potatoes and lentil soup and where the kids and I would sit around and play Mexican Train on a weeknight. The thought actually made me happy. Ah, the idealism! But that's when I kind of stopped being scared and relaxed about the whole money deal. It is, after all, just money.

Barrel O Laughs

A few updates: 1. I have not killed the dog. She lumbers along and I follow picking up either her or her poop. 2. Still trying to figure out the new washer/dryer. I keep putting the duvet into the dryer, but can't seem to make it go for more than 54 minutes, so the thing won't get dry. Perhaps I should read the instructions 3. We seem to be lice free. I still do nit checks, but haven't found any for a while. Bedding is almost all clean (it has been almost two weeks!). See #2. 4. I am still slogging away with my grandfather's book. I am really struggling to figure out what the story is about, but I am determined to make it through. If anyone is up on their WWII RAF terms, drop me a line... 5. My friend Daniel wrote about my Cabin in his blog. Its a really beautiful post because he is a really beautiful writer (we took a memoir class together). I have just gotten a book to read up about renting it, cause I seem to be hemorrhaging cash at the moment, so if you are interested, let me know. 6. Still no word on my audiobook being up on Audible.com, but I will keep you posted. 7. Got told today by my financial advisor to sell everything. Trying not to panic and remain cool. All in all, still doing the single mother juggling-with-fire routine. On a tight rope. Blind. Barrel 'o Laughs.